


A Jedi's Bullshit

by ThatDamnKennedyKid



Series: Two Jedi Walk Into A Mandalorian [3]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars: Clone Wars (2003) - All Media Types, Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Female Obi-Wan Kenobi, Mandalorian Culture
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-29
Updated: 2019-11-29
Packaged: 2021-02-26 00:54:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,481
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21574822
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThatDamnKennedyKid/pseuds/ThatDamnKennedyKid
Summary: Lounging the the Clones aboard their starcruiser, Ahsoka and Fives bully Obi-Wan into telling the story of how she met Qui-Gon and Anakin.
Relationships: Obi-Wan Kenobi & Anakin Skywalker, Obi-Wan Kenobi & CT-7567 | Rex, Qui-Gon Jinn & Obi-Wan Kenobi
Series: Two Jedi Walk Into A Mandalorian [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1553227
Comments: 24
Kudos: 459





	A Jedi's Bullshit

"You promised!" Fives whined, sounding more like a cadet than his pride usually allowed with anyone but Echo. 

"I didn't say when I was gonna tell it." She kicked her heels up onto the small crate serving as a table. She was kicking their ass in cribbage.

"Don't back out of your promises now!"

"What's going on?" Tank walked up to them as Rex threw an ace and a king into the crib, hoping to preserve the three fives and one ten he had. He kept getting shitty hands, but he might be able to recover some ground with this one.

"The brothers want the story of how she knows Jinn and Skywalker."

"Really?" Tano lit up dubiously, that same schemeing expression as her master. "If you won't tell them, will you tell me?"

"Ani hasn't? I don't find that very plausible." She tossed in two cards of her own. It was her crib, so it was probably a pair. 

"Well, he has, but I'm pretty sure what he's told me is only his version of the truth. You know Anakin."

"Did you ask Qui?"

"I mean, yeah, but he just laughed and told me to ask Anakin."

She cut the deck and pulled a nine of Clubs. Rex quietly cussed. 

"Then go ask Anakin again."

"C'mon!" Fives pleaded, laying on the whine very hard. "I did ask the General and he told me to ask you."

"No he didn't." She put down a four.

"And how would you know that?"

"Because I asked him who he told and he said only Ahsoka." She raised an eyebrow. Echo put down a two and took two for fifteen. 

"You're gonna have to tell him. There's no limit to how insufferable Fives can become." Kano cut in. He was playing over Rex's shoulder, since her board only fit three players. "Add your ten."

He did as Kano said - honestly, Kano should have played, because Rex didn't have the same head for numbers the Sargent did.

Obi-Wan threw on a five and took one for thirty. They should have called it quits when she passed the skunk line and her victory was assured, but the clones were nothing if not competitive, so a battle for second place had begun. 

"How did you meet?" Tano pushed and Obi-Wan finally sighed in resignation. 

"Go." Echo passed. 

She laid down an ace and passed the finish line on the board. "Why so insistent?"

"I'm curious. It had to have been fun or interesting for them to remember you after all these years."

"It was seven years ago, my dear."

"Yeah, all those years ago."

She sighed again, much heavier, and laid her cards down. 

"Please?" Fives whined, getting more nasally every time. At Rex's back, he could feel Kano stiffening. He hated Fives whining - reminded him too much of pestering Rex as a cadet, probably - and was likely to physically remove Fives from the game soon. 

"Fine, but it's on you if you don't believe me." She said. 

* * *

* * *

When the two Jedi walked into her favourite dive, she immediately knew they were trouble. There were relatively non-descript, as Jedi were wont to be, but that didn't stop them from assaulting her senses. Especially the younger one - he was entirely overwhelming with bubbling energy. 

The elder of the two approached the bartender, who didn't even look up from polishing the filthy glass in his hand. She knew it was his go-to for warding off high-society types - and wasn't that a laugh - and all but the least kriffs to give. 

"Good afternoon." The Jedi greeted, his accent richly Coruscanti and mild. Much like her own. The bartender, Aco, likely would have kicked him out of the bar for his accent alone if she wasn't a patron. He didn't like unfamiliar sounds. 

Aco grunted in acknowledgement, burly and pig-like as he was, disinterested in the business of strangers. There were better places in Mos Eisley for that, and Aco wasn't shy about sending people that way. 

"I was curious if you knew someone able to provide passage for me and my friend off-world. Our ship malfunctioned and required an emergency landing. It's beyond repair, but if we can get off-world, that would be plenty sufficient."

"Only people 'round here with ships 'ill drop ya in space and run off with the credits." Aco grunted back. 

"Then do you know where I could go elsewhere to ask around?"

Aco looked over at her, sitting alone at her end of the bar. She blended in well with the neutral metals, and had won the spot in his periphery by pounding the life out of some would-be 'protection' racketers. He hadn't asked her to do it, but she had only one rule dealing in her trade: you only have a job when someone's asked you to do it. 'Protection' wasn't the same, and she liked the bar. Aco had looked after her ever since, because he believed in rewarding good behaviour, and passed the majority of the contracts he handled to her. 

She nodded to him. 

"Try her." Aco said, gesturing to where she was leaning. She had her helmet on - as she always did in public - and was keenly observing them, marking out what she could find on her HUD. Jedi or not, if they were a problem, she would get rid of them. 

The Jedi, for his part, seemed nonplussed and quietly thanked Aco, walking over to her. "Is this seat reserved?"

"Only for my employers."

He sat down. "I'm looking for transport for myself and my friend off Tattooine."

"To where?"

"I would prefer Coruscant, but any Republic-aligned Middle Rim planet would also do."

"You crash that silver ship that's being scrapped in the desert?"

The Jedi smiled. "Word travels quickly."

"Then you should be more aware that failing to mention the Nabanese royal handmaid was going to get you in trouble."

His smile fell. 

"The more sour you look, the more likely you are to get shot. And no one likes Jedi in these parts. Too much snooping into our business."

"You're not exactly a native either."

"Certainly. But what I _am_ is an opportunist on a planet of opportunists. You, sir, are a monk outside of his jurisdiction who is very bad at lying."

"Then let me be frank." He sat straighter, pulling out a gold-plated card with the insignia of the Jedi Temple on it and the name _Qui-Gon Jinn_. "Do you know what this is?"

She did. Only Council members and high-ranking Masters were allowed these cards, with millions of credits on them. 

"Name your price for passage of three and two droids."

Now that, she liked the sound of. "One million a piece, one for both droids and my docking fees."

"Done."

"Now put that away, or else someone not as valiant will run you through." She stood and tossed a bag of Spice Aco's way. "I'm off. Keep my spot cold in the meantime, yeah?"

"Sure, sure, you Mando bitch." He caught the Spice and waved her off. 

"He seems nice." The younger Jedi said when he joined them, looking about himself dubiously. 

"He only swears at you if he likes you. If he doesn't, he comes at you with a knife and no words." She pulled the sniper rifle on her back to fit more comfortably for walking. "Follow me."

| | | 

The handmaid watched her raptly the whole time they were taking off, rightly suspicious.

"How do you know she's not going to betray us?" The handmaid whispered to Qui-Gon. 

"Because she's a Mandalorian." Qui-Gon replied just as softly. "She would lose her honour otherwise, and that's worse than death in their warrior clans."

She laughed from the pilot's seat, startling the Padawan - Anikin Skylight, or something to that effect - and patted the R2 unit that had immeidately taken a liking to her. "So Jedi do learn."

"Of course we do?" Anakin replied, puzzled. 

She didn't dignify him with a response, she just took off. Anakin shrugged, giving up, and once they were in hyperspace, he went back into the passenger space with the handmaid, who had been unwilling to give her name. 

Qui-Gon took Anakin's place, sitting with her in the co-pilot's seat. "I appreciate this."

"It's not free, so don't thank me."

The Jedi got that look on his face that said she would find even four million credits to be too little by the time this was over. She should have dropped them on Coruscant and been done with it, but it seemed like some of her weaknesses carried over even now.

* * *

"You still don't have a ship, you know." 

Qui-Gon turned to her, finding her leaning against the entrance of the Temple as casually as one in beskar armour could in the cleanest section of Coruscant. "That's true."

She snorted. "With the way you fly, I don't exactly trust you to be able to get Amidala back to Naboo in less than one piece."

"You are a better pilot than I am, and luckier than Anakin in flying."

"Hey! I'm an excellent pilot!"

She snorted. "An excellent pilot who's only landing experience is crashing."

He pouted at her, the brat. 

"Are you offering your services?"

"Well, I'm not here looking to be a creche maid, now am I?" She cocked her head. 

"I appreciate your services." Qui-Gon accepted with a sly grin. 

| | | 

"You knew this would happen, didn't you?" She snapped at Qui-Gon when they managed to land under the radar of the Trade Federation blockade. 

"I knew it was still going on, if that means anything to you."

"I should have just gone home." She sighed, strapping on every weapon she had that might be useful. If she was going to war, she may as well look good going it.

* * *

* * *

"You seem like you're skipping over a lot of stuff." Tano prodded. 

"Be more specific then on what you want to hear." She took a swallow of the bottle of Akii're whiskey she was sharing with Kano. The two had very quickly established a quiet, but symbiotic relationship. They shared weary glances, heavy sighs, and bottles of booze on downtime, but otherwise said nothing to each other. 

Rex thought it was nice that Kano had a friend other than him that he trusted enough to share booze. In fact, the ease with which she integrated with the brothers was a relief on his heart and mind. She wasn't complicated and had no pretensions - they enjoyed her lackadaisical, informal company very much. 

"What weapons did you have on you?" Echo asked, counting up his crib and passing Rex on the board, winning the game. 

"I had my blaster pistols, obviously, my _beskad_ , three viroblades, twelve electrofrags-"

"How did you even fit that all on your person?" Tano sat forward, curious.

"You ever heard of _pockets_ , _Jet'ika_?" She raised a sardonic eyebrow, but her tone was affectionately teasing. "Anyway, where was I at?"

"Twelve electrofrags?" Echo helpfully, well, echoed. 

"Right. Twelve electrofrags, a rifle I no longer have that shot both lasers and plasma bolts, a belt of ten durasteel throwing knives and halo incinerator."

Kano and Boomer perked up. "What's a halo incinerator?"

"Hold on, I'll go get it." She stood, not even a little wobbly - Kano probably would need help getting to his bunk to sleep this off - and wandered over to the bag she kept. She pulled out a weapon that was roughly the size of a standard-issue rifle, but had a circular ring on the end of it that began to glow blue-hot when she toggled the safety off. "That crate's empty, right?"

Ringo got off the one he was sitting on, nudging the empty thing out into the more open space. "Have at 'er."

She dropped onto one knee, aimed it quickly and pulled the trigger. The backblast blew the cards off their table-crate and the crate she'd taken aim at smouldered at the edge of a perfectly open hole. There wasn't even any wood in the middle to fall over, just a perfectly empty space where the crate's walls had once been. 

Boomer jumped to his feet. "I love it!"

Echo just gawked. "And you had _that_ on Naboo with you?"

She got that feral smirk on her face, and Rex was abruptly glad that alcohol damped human male's sexual responses. "Oh yes. And what fun it was."

"Have you ever used it on a person?" Kano asked. 

"I've not had the chance, no, but I am interested." She stood, walking over to let them examine the gun in her hands. "I can narrow the ring, and widen it a little more, come to think of it, and I've tested that it can obliterate up to a meter of solid stone."

"We have to use this on a person." Kano breathed, full of adoration. 

"Like who? We fight droids." Fives rolled his eyes. 

"Whoever." Kano dismissed. "It doesn't matter who in my fantasy."

"I imagine it would kill them." She joked. 

"I would hope so. If there was someone who could live without their organs, they'd give me a good reason to feel fear again."

Ringo tapped Kano on the shoulder. "Are you okay, buddy?"

"Not now. I'm falling in love." He ghosted his fingers just above the gun. 

She snorted. "Don't worry, I'll bring it with us next time."

Kano brightened more. "Will you marry me?"

"You might be that easy," She laughed, "but I am not."

"Too bad. You're missing out."

She smirked again. "I don't think you have what it takes to handle me, Kano, but I appreciate your enthusiasm."

Kano visibly wanted to touch the halo incinerator again, so she wisely went and put it back in her bag. 

"Oh, and before anyone gets any ideas, you actually need a biological tag to turn off the safety. So if you steal it, you may as well use it as a battering ram."

Boomer clapped Kano on the shoulder. "Better luck next time, brother."

"You still haven't told us what you did on Naboo!" Tano complained. 

"You asked me how I met them. I told you that." She stretched, feigning lethargy. "But that's all for tonight, children. Maybe I'll pick it up later."

"C'mon!" Tano and Fives whined at the same time. 

She winked. "Sleep well!"

* * *

* * *

**Author's Note**

I actually have some images to go along with this story to aid your imagination as they've done mine! I'll likely be continuing to add images as they become relevant to the story. The actress featured is Jessica Chastain, the perfect Mando!Obi in my mind. 

The beskar (Mandalorian) armour:

(This art is from promotional material to my knowledge. If it's not and you would like credit/it's removal/a link to where it can be seen on you account, I will gladly do so.)

Obi-Wan:

Obi-Wan's Smirk:

**Author's Note:**

> Beskad - a curved saber (sword) of beskar (Mandalorian iron)  
> Jet'ika - little Jedi


End file.
